Book Project: Dead in the Water????

Roughly one year ago, I successfully finished my graduate comprehensive exam, and the whole world cheered. 

Or just myself, Matt, and a few other close friends and family. (And all of Facebook. Duh.)

Anyways, a few days later I got an email from a professor I had done a special research topic for, asking me if I'd like to continue the research project into a possible book deal. 

I was pretty much sold at the words "publish" and "book", without really thinking of all the "work" and "time" it would take to get there. That quickly came in to play but I decided it was okay, because I can do ANYTHING!!!! (And really, because I'm a secret Cullen-type vampire who doesn't need any sleep. Which is incredibly false. Sorry I lied to you just there.) Really, I was excited about the opportunity for a while. It made me feel smart, and I was eager to read all these incredibly boring articles on the topic and then merge all my new-found knowledge into one giant compilation of smart-ness which we would call a book I "wrote" myself. I was to have a mentor who was faculty at the university so I could access the database for articles and not have to pay the $8754 dollars that you usually would have to per article. (Who knew intelligence was so expensive? That's right. Everyone. Especially the government. Wrong topic? Sure.) Theoretically, this mentor was supposed to be able to help me understand the super-science-y parts of the project that I didn't understand. He was supposed to read these articles as I read them, then we would meet and discuss the findings and put them into a coherent format that would eventually become a chapter, then a portion, and then a whole book. 

Here's what really happened: 

I read a whole bunch of research articles in my free time as a part of a "job" I agreed to do which I was not getting paid for. (I mean, I was getting paid in knowledge, right? But I like money a whole bunch.)

I met with and discussed these articles on several occasions with the mentor, who hadn't read any of the articles, but instead asked me what I had read and then asked more questions about stuff I didn't know (because I admittedly didn't understand some of what I had read. Which was why I was at this meeting.). I'm pretty sure he asked the questions because he felt guilty he hadn't read the articles, but didn't want to waste my time being there. Which, was exactly what he was doing. But I digress. 

I stopped reading these articles in such detail. I got in the habit of scanning the important sections for facts (the day of), noting them, and bringing these notes to the meetings hoping that the other member of this party would have read them. 

Eventually, near the end of 2011, my mentor became impossible to get a hold of. I couldn't get responses to emails, at some point couldn't get responses to text messages.... all of which simply stated "Have you managed to read those articles? If so, will we require a meeting on _____ day?"

A few weeks ago we met again for the first time since November. That's 5 months. I haven't done anything on this project because not only was I not getting a response, but I found out that he had lost his job with the university, and I assumed that meant everything was dead in the water. Which was fine with me. Really. 

Turns out that the mentor wants to continue this project, and assured me that he would be much more accessible and involved from here on out. I placed roughly zero faith in this comment (since I've heard it before), but agreed to meet him on 3/25. The reading assignment agreed upon? Re-read the articles I read a year ago for my comp exams. I didn't read them. I have notes on them and a busy social schedule. 

Which brings me to today. And my current conundrum. 

I don't have the passion for this project that I initially did. I'm frustrated that I've done all this work with repeated excuses, some of which may have well been boldfaced lies. I've had my time wasted, which I wasn't being compensated for, and I've skipped workout sessions (which are important to me) and time with  Matt and my family (also, super important) in order to make these meetings. When I sent an email this morning to confirm that he had read the articles, and to confirm if today's meeting would happen, I've still not received a response. 

I want to quit this project. I don't see it going anywhere. I don't do any work on it. My mentor doesn't do any work on it. And it's a complete uncertainty at this point that it would even continue past his current employment situation. I'm not getting paid for this project, and I feel that my time is worth so much more. It's nothing personal, but I'm simply too busy for this kind of time-suckery.

But I committed to it, knowing that it would be a long, tough process. I just envisioned that I would have more support as a part of it. 

So my question to you, my dear readers, would you continue the project and honor the commitment you made or would you jump ship and use that extra time for something more substantial? (I realize I've basically answered this question on my own, but I'm seeking some kind of camaraderie here. Tell me I'm making the right decision if I quit, ok?)

Leave comments!!! 

Update on the mundane and general

It's been about 2 months since the last update, where I blatantly told you I'd upload all these pictures to the blog, and then I didn't.

It's not that I forgot you (all the time). It's that once I got in there to upload and edit all those damn pictures, it took AGES. I'm completely unfamiliar to photo editing, JPEG isn't easy to work with unless you're saving a copied image, and blogger takes actual years to upload that many photos. Plus, I used to be able to upload as many as I wanted, and then write and insert as I pleased. This streamlined the process and made it simpler. Then blogger went and ruined everything updated their system, and I'm basically lost.

And I'm too busy don't care enough to learn about new blogger. Old blogger was fine.

I'd like to get on here and write about something intellectual that I've been doing or learning or even planning lately, but it seems that my life has become rather consumed with all things wedding planning (okay, that's mostly done), workouts, diets, and general daily mayhem life. Lately I feel like I'm so busy I can barely breathe and that every time I turn around there's something else to do. I realized this past weekend, that never, in my entire life, will I ever truly have a lazy day or weekend where I do nothing. Because that is reserved for people under the age of "adult". And I have apparently reached "adulthood". I'm trying to come to terms with it. It's a combination of understanding that adulthood has many mundane responsibilities, and that weekends aren't actually for relaxing.... they're for catching up on all the shit you can't get done during the workweek. Plus, whenever I sit down to do nothing, I think of something else that has to be done. It generally can wait, but once it's all up in my brain taking residence, I must complete the task.

Who's idea was it to not have any serious holidays between New Years and Easter? (as in, not only teachers and government employees- do you guys ever work?!- Also, totally mostly kidding on that. Don't vilify me. Sarcasm appears to be the internet's final frontier.)  I'm dying here.

We get married in less than 6 months! I'm so excited! My dress should be here in mid-March, so I'm hoping I'll be crazy skinny by then. So you know, I look awesome-er. We have a venue, a caterer, an awesome photographer, a DJ, a wedding planner (who came with the venue), cakes, linens, a booked honeymoon, and half of my bridesmaids have dresses. Save the dates have been sent out (and hopefully received), and we've even gotten presents so far! For which we have personalized thank you cards! Which I always send out the day after I receive a present! I've even started my bridesmaid gifts! Exclamation points! !!!!! !!!!!!!!!! 


I include all this to let you know that even though it might seem like I'm not really on top of anything organizationally, I really am. You just can't see it from blog-land. I've even reread The Hunger Games series, and am halfway through The Help because of audiobooks. Plus I'm actually reading (and am almost done with) A Clash of Kings (the second Game of Thrones book), which I've been reading since 1999 December. I'm making it to the gym 4-6 days a week depending on the week, and I'm even running small distances again. Plus, I ate like, a ton of new foods last week, all healthy, supposedly as a part of "adulthood". It was weird, and I miss chicken strips or plain baked chicken, but I suppose we all have to make sacrifices. I also quit drinking diet soda (and thus, all soda). If any one can help me actually stop eating sugar instead of just talking about it, that'd be great too.

Look! A blog post! Just for you! Chock full of mundane boring-ness, and exclamation points!

The greatest trip ever

Wow, I need to update. It's been a crazy busy month or so, and I have a much more elaborate post in the works, as soon as I decide to sit and go through the 450 photos I took as an amateur photographer in Las Vegas. (Note: Cool angles only work when you have the proper experience. Otherwise they just look like you're drunk.)

So, we went to Vegas. And it was awesome. So I'll write the full post, and then I'll edit it and enter the photos (which, admittedly are of an awesome quality when I get them all straightened, fill-light-ed, and enhanced. Many don't need this treatment, and that's good, because I took them in JPEG setting instead of RAW. Photo tip #1: Good editing software doesn't work on jpeg images. Photo tip #2: Manuals aren't bad things. Read them.)

I made Matt walk around the strip with me for a little bit after we checked in to the hotel. I didn't want to go straight to bed once we got the Vegas, even though it was like being awake until 2am our time. I'm always fascinated by Vegas, even the airport. So we walked across the street from our hotel and played with the camera. 

I took Matt through the Venetian, which woke him up a little bit since it's ALWAYS DAYTIME in there. 

Then we found a fancy-pants Walgreens and bought some booze and soda for our next day's events. 

Saturday: 

I guess it was around 9am Vegas time when I woke up, decided to get ready, and take on Vegas. 

We filled our soda bottles with our booze of choice, I put them in my purse, and we hit the strip. We met Matt's cousin, Chris, and he showed us around some of his favorite places there too. 

We spent most of Saturday drinking. It was awesome. We stopped in the Luxor for some more beverages, and I discovered that whipped cream vodka+OJ+Sprite = liquid dreamsicle. I chose to ignore the amount of sugar and calories in this beverage and focused instead on the fact that I hadn't eaten so it was basically the same. 

We strolled through NYNY briefly, where I got another sugar-infused-calorie-laden beverage and made it across the bridge to the other side of the street.

I'm terrified of escalators, and so Chris stopped on ours, which freaked me out more because I was drinking. But then we saw this guy:

And I soon forgot what I was previously afraid of.

We stopped at the Coca Cola Store for some good natured tourism, and I unashamedly flirted with a giant polar bear.

If you've been to Vegas, ever, you know that the people there do one of three things: 

1. Avoid the strip completely unless they have friends in town.

2. Are homeless and sit on the strip, smelling like urine, and begging for food and money. Sometimes they have witty signs. 

[Picture- divorce]

3. Dress up in what would be an unusual social behavior, which is rewarded with photo opportunities and tips in LV.

I decided to use my awesome new toy to document, secretly without the need of tipping, these people.

[Picture-Batman and spiderman]

[Picture- Homer]

[Picture-Mario]

[Picture-Barney]

And then I found THIS GUY:

[Picture-Birdman]

Who was just walking down the strip like he was the man, completely unaware that I was behind him snapping a million photos simply because there was a red macaw and a blue macaw on his shoulders. Then he stopped, and saw me, and I was embarrassed by my unabashed love of his birds and told him he was awesome. 

To which he responded: "Thanks, for $5 I'll let you take some pictures with them."

SOLD. 

So we gave him our camera and he gave us his birds and we took these pictures right there in the middle of the strip.

[Pictures-Birds]

And that made it the greatest day ever. 

We went back to the hotel, I changed, drank a little more, and then we were off to catch a bus to Fremont Street. We get to the street and while walking around in the dark, Chris points above our heads and goes "There's the zip line."

Matt: "Cool. I wanna do it."

Me: "I'll go with you!"

So we get weighed (grumble), sign our releases, and get in line. I gave Chris my purse since I didn't think I could zip line with it, and his buddy who had been with us all day took the camera, stating, "If it has video (which it does), I'll record it for you."

I think nothing of this. I think it'd be cool to see ourselves zip line. And obviously, my tiffany-blue purse looks awesome on Chris's shoulder. 

So we stand in line for almost an hour on the roof of some random building. I'm wearing my owl hat (one of three), and we are chatting with the people around us. When it's finally our turn, I don't get nervous until I'm strapped in, sitting on the launch box. I look to the guy in charge and say "Am I gonna die on this?" 

To which he replies: "Not today."

And we are off. I had been given all these rules before we left; don't leave your feet out, pay attention at the end, don't kick the guys at the end, etc. And I was very focused on this. Plus, my thing got all twisted and I was trying to make sure I didn't kick anyone while Matt is a few seconds behind me screaming my name. 

I get my head turned around enough to look at him, all smiles, and hear him yell "Will you marry me?"

My initial thought, was that he was joking. That he heard me ask if I was going to die, and was playing some 'OMG we're gonna die" joke on me. But I screamed "Yeah!!"  back at him. (I mean, I would marry him.)

So we get to the end of the rope a few seconds later (my timing may be way off on this, it was a lot of happenings), and I'm sort of piecing this all together. That he really did ask me that, and I really did say yes, and dude, I hope that wasn't a joke.... and then I get my harness of the line and turn around to get down when I see Chris. 

On the platform. 

On a knee, holding a box out in both hands in a presentation manner. 

And I believe the words that came out of my mouth were "Are you f***ing kidding me?!"

(Sorry, I swear. I know. I KNOW.)

I look over at Matt, who is on the platform too (I repeat my profane question. Mostly out of shock.), and I recall hearing him ask the attendants "Can you get me out of this thing?" and he gets off his box, grabs the ring from Chris, gets on one knee, and asks me again formally. To which I respond with zero profanity, but in the affirmative, and it's all happy ever after. We even have a video of it.

[Video]

And professional photos

[Pictures-zipline]

Which then was the greatest day ever. 

We spent two and a half more days in Vegas. We saw Mystere, we were hungover on Sunday, we saw Chris one more time, we lost (expensive) things and found them, we won money, and we had an amazing time together. I took a ton of more pictures, which I'll post some of on here and my facebook. As soon as I sit down to finish reviewing them.

Now we're planning a wedding. It's stressful (which I expected), and it's fun (which I hoped for), and it's exciting (which I knew it would be). I've cried, I've lost sleep, I've picked a dress completely different than what I wanted. I'm so incredibly lucky to have a family who will bend over backwards to ensure that Matt and I have the day of our dreams with as little stress as possible. It means the world to me. 

<3

Shoooooopping

There is a difference between shoooopping and shopping. The former activity is the kind that takes hours per store. The kind where you just walk in not knowing what you want, taking all the time in the world to find that one thing you think you are looking for. The latter is the kind where you know what you're getting, you go in, grab it, and get out.

I much prefer the latter. If I want to shooooop then I prefer to do it online. Which is why I usually spend my lunch breaks shopping for cute dresses online from ModCloth. I don't buy these dresses, I just add them to my Amazon wish list and carry on. I usually forget about them a little bit later while I keep finding more cute stuff I sort of just have to have. Plus, I loathe shopping for jeans (thus explaining why I have like, none), so shopping for dresses makes me happy.

I used to have this thing on the side of my blog entry layout where I could just type in the item I wanted on amazon, and then the blog would add a picture of it to the blog with a link to the product. It was great! And then blogger fucked up updated their layout, and even if I use the old interface I still can't use the damn Amazon thing. And I don't know how to get it back because blogger isn't exactly the most user-friendly interface to begin with. So..... I'm gonna have to do this all manually, which is gonna piss me off since I'm not the one who messed it up.

Anyways, so onto the dresses.

Number 1: Tea Leaves Dress

I find that bubble skirts like this make my giant legs look a little slimmer. Plus, it has an A-line shape, which is always good. Since it's a part of the current 25% off Cyber Monday (always sounds dirty to me) sale, it can be mine yours for only $48.99! You bought me a dress! You shouldn't have!

Number Dos: Thanks a Dot Dress

The website won't let me keep a picture of the dress, so lemme 'splain it to you. It's got cap sleeves, it's navy blue, and has light blue tiny polka dot accents on it. It's 100% cotton and buttons up the front (with cute polka dot ribbon embellishment) and has little polka dotted bows on it at the sleeves. Basically, it's a glorified shirt dress, but it doesn't look like you're going on a safari. It looks like you're going to be a flight attendant circa 1965. Or you could follow the link and see it for yourself, just in order to test my descriptive abilities. It's out of stock right now, so you can just purchase it for me at a later date. It's cool, I accept presents all year round. 

Dress Number THREE!!!!!  SoCal Bungalow Dress

Purple is one of my favorite colors. And I think you can never go wrong wearing a dark purple dress, because it has the slimming effects of black, but is way more fun than black. Plus, it can keep people guessing from far away... "Is it purple? Is it black?" This dress sort of works great for anything. Pair it with a cardigan and wear it to work, or wear it as is on date night. Or you could wear it to a wedding. Maybe a funeral? Probably not a job interview, though. Just saying. I'll make this promise now, that when I receive it at my apartment (shipped from you, of course) that I will wear it at work, on date night, and maybe to a wedding (assuming I go to another one after this year is over, that is). For $50, it basically pays for itself. 

Lucky Number Four: Midnight Bird Song Dress

This one is my FAVORITE. Let me repeat that. My favorite dress on this list. It might be because of my affinity for those of Class Aves. It might be because it's simply just so friggin' cute. I'm not totally sure, so I'll say it's a not-that-creepy combination of both. Lucky for you this dress is sold out, otherwise I'd demand that you all purchase me one immediately. (Combine your resources!!!) Simply because every grandma girl needs a sweater dress with retro birds sewn on to it. 

That's it for today, though. I did recently buy myself 4 new dresses, but none of them are those listed above. They're cute, though. Only one is from ModCloth, though, as I have a hard time justifying purchasing a $100 dress that probably had a production cost of $25. 

ModCloth does have some super cute NYE dresses, though. Which I should probably start thinking about.

And no, I didn't get paid by the company for any of this post. But I probably should. (Get on that, ModCloth!)

Tis the Season.... to be stabby

I generally do everything I can to avoid Black Friday shopping because people are crappy, and the traffic is crappy, and even though the deals are great, there is nothing that really makes me more stabby than standing in an hour long line to be told something along the lines of:

"We just sold out."
"I realize you purchased this online and selected store pickup, but we failed to do this for you. Whoops my bad. So, we're out. Anything else I can get you?"
"I'm sorry, I can't actually help you with this issue, but did you find anything you wanted while you were waiting upwards of an hour for my attention?"

Or the inevitable bitching that comes from other stabby people around me during the Christmas shopping season. You know the ones.... the ones that stand behind you in line and bitch about you and everyone else in a tone that you can hear them in, but they think you can't. (Read: hypocrisy. I, apparently, am the only person allowed to be stabby in retail stores this time of year.)

Since I try to avoid Black Friday shopping, it's only fitting that I've been out shopping every day this holiday weekend. True, I got good deals. And I managed to hit up stores that either are in a not-so-busy location, or early enough to beat people. Matt and I have a good amount of our Christmas shopping done, or we have an idea of what to get those that are left, with only a few stragglers. Which is nice, since there are, clearly, more important things for us to do this month.

Like, our anniversary!

December 4th is our special day, and so on this Friday we will head out to Las Vegas to celebrate in Sin City together. Since we "live in sin" and all, this is appropriate.

Matt has never been to Vegas, and I LOVE Vegas, so we are both very excited. Along with the fact that we get to spend 5 days alone together without the worry of work, school, or errands. That makes me happy. Sometimes it seems that both our lives get so busy and we don't ever get to see each other outside of the few hours that we are home before bedtime.

PS: It's gonna be freaking cold in Vegas while we are there.
PPS: It's also the Rock 'n Roll Marathon. Which means an extra 30,000 people on the strip. Yay?

We will be staying at Treasure Island, which I've never stayed at, and has been recently renovated (I think?). It's in the center of the strip, so that makes everything super convenient. Plus, it's a fun hotel. We both planned surprises for us while we are there. I've never been able to see the Sirens show outside the hotel, because it's always been canceled for wind when I'm there. Matt has never seen a Cirque du Soleil show, and I've only seen Zumanity (which I think means that basically, I've never seen a real CdS show either) so I bought us super-good seats for the Mystere show.

My sister and brother-in-law saw Mystere when in Vegas for their honeymoon a few weeks ago. My sister LOVED it. Since she's the ballerina, I'll take her word for it's goodness.

Matt had a surprise for about a month that I had no idea about, but last night he decided to tell me what it is, so that I can plan my outfit appropriately. The surprise? A hot air balloon ride at sunrise. I can't wait! I've always wanted to ride in a hot air balloon, and the surprise is a perfect one for our anniversary. I'm beyond excited!

I'm in a balloon! Everybody look at me I'm in a mother fucking BALLOON!!!!!!!

In other news, so that Matt and I can properly document our fabulous trip to Vegas together, we decided to buy ourselves our Christmas present early. Last week at Target we saw a Panasonic Lumix compact system camera on sale for $599, but it came with a FREE 45-200mm lens, which retails at $350. This was like, a $1000 system for $600. I stood there and lusted over it for a bit, but decided to not spend that money right then and there and went home.

Tuesday I found the same deal at Best Buy, with a memory card for free too at the same price and decided it was meant to be. So, we bought it for ourselves, and called it Christmas. It's simply beautiful, and our new camera makes me happy. I just wish I knew how to use it better. It's super sensitive to movement, and almost every picture I take comes out blurry. Clearly, I shake more than I thought I did. Makes you glad I'm not a surgeon after all, doesn't it?

Isn't she beautiful?

Isn't she lovely?

I seriously don't really know what the hell I'm doing when I use this camera, except that we now have lots of pictures of our Christmas tree and the cat. And that when I try to take long-distance shots of the Christmas lights on the houses beyond the canyon, they come out with neat little light effects. Which is my nice way of telling myself that I can't hold anything still for even 2 seconds. (2 seconds has never been so long!!) If you, dear reader, know your way around a DSLR or a Compact system camera, please feel free to leave a comment.... I can use all the help I can get!!

To wrap this up, Matt and I will be outta here Friday night until Tuesday night, and I couldn't be more excited. I can't wait to spend some quality fun time with my man, and couldn't think of a better way to celebrate us. <3

"Jennifer"

Every day, for as long as I can remember, I have gotten in a fight with someone called Jennifer.

It's not that she doesn't deserve it, though. Jennifer is a hateful bitch.

You may know her as someone else, but every girl has met her at one point in their lives or another.
Some women tell her she is ridiculous and to shut the fuck up. Those girls are the strong ones. Some befriend her for just a little bit, she has their best interest at heart. Jennifer just wants you to be the best you possible. Jennifer's best interest is in physicality; and some girls befriend her forever.


I am the latter of those girls. Except I would call Jennifer a frenemy at best. She's been around for over 10 years, and we have had some really great times together. For a while now, though, Jennifer hasn't been in control nearly as much as she would like to be. Which makes her even more bitchy than usual.

(I swear I'm not actually talking about myself here, but I suppose the presence of "Jennifer" does make me more bitchy.)

For a while, it was just me. And while I wasn't happy with that, I certainly kept myself busy. I did that by starting graduate school and working out a lot. I'm talking 1-2 hours every day. More on weekends. I remember having what I would call "Super Saturdays" which were, in reality just a 5 hour exercise purge. I'd hit up two different gyms, go to two different dance classes, run, do some abs and strength, and then hit poolside for the rest of the day. Or study in Starbucks, depending on the season.

It was amazing and horrible all at the same time.

Let me explain.... when I was neck-deep in it, I didn't realize it was maybe a tiny bit  ridiculous. I thought I was a rock star. I had all this energy (Where the hell did that go?) and time to burn, and best of all I was getting skinnier so everything was awesome. On weekdays, I had a job with minimal responsbility, grad school classes which I did homework at the last minute for, which left me ample time to work out at night. I was, in essence, in a very serious relationship with my gym.

I also ate 1000 calories a day, I wrote down every single thing I intook, and I portioned out foods (ahem, when I ate) like I was on rations during the Cold War. I never touched sugar, I only drank caffeine first thing in the morning, and I drank water like a fish. (Some of these things I still do.)

In the winter I lived on Earl Grey tea. With non-fat half & half, and two splenda's. That was all I needed, really. Add a protein shake for lunch, some baked chicken for dinner and I was good. I had almost no food in my apartment, not because I was broke, but because I didn't eat it. I had skim milk (to mix with protein), diet coke, half & half, chicken, and some green beans. I thought it was perfectly normal. Jennifer told me I was amazing. I was confident, pseudo-happy, and always getting thinner.

I have always struggled with my weight. For as long as I can remember. And I always remember there being a part of me which constantly told myself that I was any combination of the following:

Ugly
Fat
Worthless
Disgusting
Lazy
Inadequate
Unattractive
Huge
Giant-Sized
Squishy
Fluffy
Gross

However you want to stack them, I knew how to tell myself these things. And I always believed myself.

Then one day, Matt came along. He picked up on my slight body image issue eating disorder, and renamed that part of me "Jennifer". So that every time I have a moment, of sorts, he can tell me that Jennifer needs to leave his girlfriend the fuck alone, because he wants to enjoy some time with her. Or some variation of that.

With all the weddings I've been in this year, coupled with stress of the 8430238596 projects I've got going on, I've been in a serious body-funk.

I've taken more diet pills this year than I know how to count. And while I know that they basically don't do anything beneficial, they do curb my appetite to almost nothing. I've starved myself voluntarily, telling myself that the hunger pain is an achievement. I've exercised to the point of passing out. I've at some point been a member at three different gyms at one time. I've eschewed almost all of my other responsibilities so that I could work out. I've lost productivity time at work because all I can think about is getting to the gym, and I've developed elaborate schedules in order to maximize my workout time and time with Matt.

The thing that bothers me is that I'm in the happiest place in my life that I've ever been in. I have a man that I love more than anything, who loves me exactly as I am. I have a job that pays me well, which I really enjoy. I have amazing family and friends, and comparatively speaking, I'm doing pretty well for myself. (Read: I'm not unemployed, broke as shit, and standing on Wall Street in the freezing cold. I'm not the 1% by any means, but I'm working hard for what I've got.) And I still have many, many days in which I'm so incredibly unhappy, and ferociously uncomfortable in my own skin that I almost end up in an anxiety attack because of it. I've started to take the hate I have for my own body out on it at the gym.

I look at my friends on facebook and in real life who have real woman bodies that they may not love as much as I imagine they do, but they're happy in light of it. They don't do half the crap that I do to my body. They know that the love they receive from their loved ones is not rooted in physical appearance. (I know this, too, but Jennifer doesn't. And Jennifer..... as much as I hate it..... is a part of me. I've somehow learned, not from any one in particular, that my worthiness of being loved and successful is rooted in my appearance.) I envy these women; these friends of mine. I wish that I could have the physical confidence that they do. Instead of feeling like I should be wearing a paper bag on most days.

I suppose my point is that no matter how hard I've tried to rid myself of this disorder, it will always follow me around. I know this. I'll always have a part of Jennifer inside me. Ultimately, though, I wish that one day I will see myself as others who love me see me. I wish that I can exude the confidence that I want to, and that when someone tells me they think I'm beautiful..... I can feel it. 

Hallow's Eve Inspired Thoughts

I write my blog entries as email drafts when I have a random thought or bitchiness throughout the day. Sometimes. I don't always do this. But suffice it to say, the person who emails me the most is myself. 

Sometimes it's something slightly intelligent or witty. 

Sometimes it's inane banter with myself inside my brain.

But I digress..... 

Today is Halloween, which is also my favorite "holiday" of the year. It's not really a holiday, though, because we all still have to work. We just get to dress up like weirdos and go to work in strange garb. 

I'm an owl. Which was my costume last year, but I loved my homemade owl wings so much, and my owl hat(s) that I decided I would repeat the costume. 

Also because I have an unusual fascination with animals, particularly owls and all things Class Aves. I also have an unusual database of random scientific facts, and tend to blurt them out in general conversation. I think this is perfectly normal, as I think these things are cool and interesting. My peers tend to think I'm a dork. But you know, they love me for it. I embrace my dorkiness. I really do. 

(This past weekend? I not only signed up for my VERY OWN subscription to Science magazine, but I piled up all my science books onto the fireplace and took a facebook picture of them. I'm like a Sheldon in training. Minus the narcissistic 14-year old prodigy, PhD part.)

I'll leave you with a few random scientific facts for your mental rolodex:

1. Today the earth's population is projected to reach the 7 billion mark. If you were to count back 7 billion seconds ago (which would take a very long time, just do it mathematically) it would be the year 1789. (Note: I haven't verified this math. I heard it on the morning news.)

2. Those tiny feathers around an owls eyes? They are used to help them locate noises made by potential prey. By this process they can locate a mouse miles away simply by the noise it makes when it steps on a twig.  The owls can move these feathers in order to hear better. Each one. Individually. Google image it. That's a ton of feathers. I bet you can't even wiggle your ears. 

3. Dippin' Dots ice cream is made by suspending the ice cream mixture in a liquid nitrogen-type-situation, so that the ice cream freezes instantly into particulate spheres. As opposed to churning it. 

4. You can distinguish a crocodile from an alligator not simply by the triangular vs rounded snout, but by the positioning of their teeth. Crocodiles have a bottom tooth on each side that sticks out (this is why they have those indentions on the top part of their snout) while alligators keep all their teeth in their mouths. Alligators are WAY more well-mannered than crocs in this aspect. 

That's all I've got today. I've been trying to write a decent post for a week now, but due to the amount of stress I've been under it's all been pretty bitter and condescending. Which I'm already a bit good amount of natrually, but I prefer to call it sarcastic and cynical. So, since I like animals more than people, I wrote a post about animals. There you go.